Food For THOT A scholarly paper on the subject of hoes.

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The following is a reprint of Lord Culus’ seminal paper presented to the Society Of Distinguished And Concerned Gentlemen in November, 2015. The paper would go on to pave the way for a nuanced understanding of a puzzling phenomenon which threatened to erode civilisation at the time: hoes. I would like to thank the Society for allowing me to reprint this article in its entirety.


Good evening gentlemen,

I shall dispense with the formalities usually observed on occasions such as these and, instead, thank the entirety of your esteemed society for hosting me this evening.

The Society Of Distinguished And Concerned Gentlemen has, throughout the years, provided a platform for suitably qualified gentlemen to discuss topical issues which harangue our society. It is on occasions such as these where the collected might of male intellect has gathered to find solutions to pernicious societal problems, constantly pushing the boundaries of human learning, and making better the world which we have inherited from our forefathers.

Gentlemen, I shall be direct. We are at war. Or, perhaps, it is more apt to say that the world is at whore.

Thotism is on the rise within our great Republic. This phenomenon threatens the delicate moral fabric which holds our civilised society together and we, as gentlemen, as men of learning, are rightfully concerned.

Anarchy, chaos, the ten plagues of Egypt (plus a few new ones, we are told)—this is what awaits the world should we fail to turn our attention to the ravages of our time: thotism.

The end times are indeed nigh and the fall of man appears to be close at hand. The Four Horsemen are brushing off their apocalyptic steeds as we speak.

Thotism must be halted in its steps. It must be fought in every tweet, outed in every status update, and shamed in every picture. It must be combated with every word we can muster. We must do this for the sake of our present existence and our future progeny.

Think, at all times, gentlemen, of our children. It falls to us to leave a better world for those who shall come hereafter.

We have been called to use our accumulated intellect to find a solution for this insidious and terrible affliction, this cancer which continues to erode the foundations of our great and noble nation.

Together, I believe, we shall find a cure for thotism if we act speedily.

Tonight, I present my humble research to the assembled wisdom of the Society and hope my findings spur minds greater than my own to delve deeper into this phenomenon which casts a dark cloud over life as we know it.

It is, as various conquerors and colonisers have come to know over millennia, impossible to fight that which is not understood. And so, gentlemen, I begin this lecture by putting words to our greatest fear.

WHAT IS A THOT?

It is an acronym which stands for “that hoe over there” and is used to describe a sexually indiscreet woman.

Urban Dictionary, that store of popular lexicon we consult only on the gravest of matters states that a thot, is an individual with either “concurrent sexual partners or a history of sexual partners well above the respectable norm in a given community.” Thots or thotties, when referred to in the plural, engage in sexual acts for “sexual pleasure, approval, or to fulfil an emotional void.”

These acts of sexual gratification, the venerable dictionary tells us, are not conducted as a means of obtaining narcotics, an end, I think, which would be more respectable. They are not even pursued for economic gain.

They are wanton. Indiscriminate. It is the pleasure of the act that thots chase.

Using empirical data found by using Pythagoras’ theorem, it has been discovered that women, and only women, are the carriers of the nefarious thot gene. This gene can lay dormant in a woman for many years, silent during childhood, and manifest itself in puberty, transforming a once chaste darling into a raging thot during puberty.

Once the thot gene has been awakened it can take control of a woman and drive her into promiscuity in her twenties—a period in which a woman, now referred to as a thot by any knowledgeable and respectable man, will often flaunt her sexual flamboyance. This period of licentiousness can go on well into her thirsties—a terrible time which afflicts women who have been unable to secure a husband or a long-term partner during their twenties. And, as Brownian motion shows, the thot gene can even continue exercising its wicked control over women well into their forties, fifties, and even sixties.

Reports show the thot gene has an irregular lifespan. It can burn for a day, a week, or a lifetime. One can never know.

What we do know, however, are general and specific instances in which thottish behaviour, brought about by the activation of the thot gene, have been observed and it is to these that I now turn.

THE OBSERVED CHARACTERISTICS OF THOTS UNDER THE CONTROL OF THE THOT GENE IN THEIR NATURAL HABITATS

It has been noted that most thots are single women or single mothers. There is strong evidence to suggest the thot gene is most virulent in uncoupled women who are single by (mistaken and deluded) choice or by circumstance (often caused by women exhibiting thottish symptoms which drive their partners away). To my knowledge no male thots have been discovered, a fact I attribute to the superior moral and genetic fortitude of men.

Past and ongoing observations of single women show thots to suffer from sexual emancipation brought about by the ongoing production, dissemination, and consumption of poisonous feminist literature which we have concluded is a primary activator of the thot gene. This feminist literature disturbingly convinces women that their bodies are their own, that their minds are their own, and that their single statuses are to be celebrated and shared with the world.

Thanks to the wisdom of the ancient Babylonians, who sieved raw knowledge from faeces collected by two hundred thousand dung beetles, we now know at least one way of saving thots from themselves.

Marriage, the Babylonians tell us, is a sure-fire way to escape the saccharine but poisonous clutches of the thot gene. By marrying a man in a recognised religious, cultural, or legal ceremony, and swearing undying sexual fidelity to their husbands—even if the fidelity might not be returned—has been observed to be a most efficacious manner of combatting the thot gene’s brainwashing activities.

Many thots maintain a social media profile on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. Through the meticulous use of Archimedes’ principle, discovered in 250 BC, it has been revealed that thots maintain at least one social media profile with some even still updating profiles on now defunct websites such as MySpace and Hi5. It seems as though any dot com which allows pictures to be shared provides the necessary conditions for the thot gene to send its immoral mutations into a woman’s being.

Once on social media, thots are notorious for updating their profiles numerous times a day and keeping the world in tune with everything they do, think, and feel.

Archimedes, whose principle was used to divine the online behaviour of thots, also seems to have provided a small clue to thot detection even at such an ancient point in history. Upon discovery of his famous principle, Archimedes shouted “Eureka!”

Through cross-referencing various books published in Archimedes’ time, historians have come to the conclusion Eureka was, in fact, the name of a thot who ensnared him with her seductive wiles. Since then, shouting Eureka has been mistakenly taken to signify the discovery of an elusive answer. Correctly used, though, the term should be used alert the world to the discovery of a thot.

The thot gene’s preternatural attraction to social media is so strong that even receiving a direct message (DM) on Twitter or an message on Facebook from a man can stimulate the gene. Alessandro Volta, the Italian scientist credited with this discovery set numerous thirst traps—messages written in a manner and style which invite women to respond with sexual advances—and discovered that the arrival of a DM or message would send the thot gene into over-stimulation and thoroughly derail a woman from her chaste journey through life.

Volta, as we know, would later go on to make lesser contributions to human life by creating the first electric battery and discovering methane. But it is his work on DMs, Facebook messages, and thirst traps which have earned him his place in the hallowed halls of science.

Georg Ohm, a German scientist whose work followed Volta’s discovered that even responding to a DM or a Facebook message could turn a woman into a thot. Through mirroring and modifying Volta’s work, he deduced that there exists a direct proportionality between a woman being on Twitter and the resultant invitations for coitus, first couched as polite greetings, invitations for creative collaborations, or supposedly simple acknowledgments of wit. His formula has been recorded in science books as Ohm’s law, but its correct name is the Carpe DM theory which continues to be instrumental in shaping our understanding of how thots act and behave in the online world.

The perils of the online world are multitude and the thot gene continually strives to steer women into numerous pitfalls so it can fully manifest itself. The sending of nude pictures over social media is one of the observed characterises of thots.

In numerous articles published by Marie Curie, it was stated that the only time a woman should be nude is at birth, when she is conducting her ablutions, and when making love in a reserved and respectable manner to her husband. Thots, however, do not follow Curie’s directions. They revel in sharing nude and semi-nude photographs freely with the world. It is important to note that Curie also stated, in later papers, that the mere possession of nudes, shared or not, was enough to bring the thot gene out of its dormancy and into full-blown libertine irresponsibility.

Thus, it has become sufficiently clear that recent online leaks of nude photographs, obtained by hacking phones or computers, was the mere exposition of women in the thralls of the thot gene.

Marie Curie died in 1934 of aplastic anaemia believed to have been brought on by exposure to radiation in test tubes of radium she carried around while exploring her part-time hobby, nuclear physics. However, more recent research suggests she was killed by long-term exposure to the thottish behaviour displayed in the nude photographs she used to conduct her brave research.

To round of Marie Curie’s sizeable contribution to our understanding of thots I must draw your attention another of her observations: a woman in possession of sexual prowess superior to a man can be rightfully assumed to have engaged in thottish behaviour at some point in the past. It is this observation which won her two Nobel Prizes, the first in 1903 and the second in 1911. Her achievements stand to show what women are capable of attaining when their thot gene is thoroughly suppressed; her example should be used to encourage modern women to unshackle themselves from thottish behaviour and rather pursue knowledge and contribute to the world in which we live.

It is important to also note that, more often than not, thots have kissed more than one man or had sex with more than one man in their lifetime. As has become abundantly clear, the appropriate number of men to kiss in a lifetime is one if you are a woman and none if you are a man. This number was discovered by Niels Bohr, a Danish scientist who made great contributions to mankind’s understanding of quantum thot theory.

Where a woman has already kissed one man, or engaged in coitus with one man, and not proceeded to marry that man, she must disavow future sexual fulfilment and douse the thot gene’s fires lest she is compelled to take as many lovers as Avogadro’s number.

Even if a woman has not kissed a man, or had sex with a man, the thot gene’s devilry is not yet defeated for she still runs the risk of become a thot. Religious scholars have noted the impurity of a woman’ s blood and have authoritatively discovered there is almost no hope of women escaping the menace which curses their sex. The veracity of these claims is beyond dispute and no evidence needs to be led to justify these conclusions.

A curious observation which we have hitherto believed to be normal and respectable female behaviour is the shunning of male attention—polite or otherwise—in public and private spaces.

Galileo’s papers on the movement of celestial bodies have fundamentally rewritten our understanding of this behaviour. It is now widely accepted that a woman who refuses male advances, catcalls, or gropes on a public street, on a train, or in a club or bar is actually a thot. Galileo’s writings place the man at the centre of the universe, woman then revolves around man. Any woman, the papers go on to say, who chooses a different trajectory and rebuffs a man’s advances upsets the balance of our solar system and commits a most heinous crime against the universe’s perfect design.

“And so it moves,” the astronomer is quoted as saying. It has been authoritatively established that what he was in fact talking about in that instance was a thot who refused to orbit his obvious intellectual majesty.

Sometimes, it has been seen, thots kiss and date other thots. Sir Isaac Newton’s studies on thot motion, though discovered centuries ago, continue to inform our understanding of the way thots act and move today. In his monumental book Mathematical Principles Of Natural Philosophy, published in 1687, his three laws of thot motion were laid out.

First, he says, if she looks like a thot then she must be a thot. Second, “if she moveth as a thot and sounds like a thot, then the rightful conclusion is that she must be a thot.” Lastly, Newton rightly concludes, is that if she acts like a thot then she must be a thot.

Since there is no shortage of upstanding gentlemen in society with whom to engage in heterosexual relationships it can be definitively concluded that Newton’s third law is true: when a woman kisses another woman she must be a thot.

Sir David Attenborough, the famous naturalist, has been instrumental in documenting thots in their natural habitats and I lean heavily on his discoveries at this juncture. Sir Attenborough has often risked his life to capture footage which would further shed light upon the way thots live and how they affect the world around them.

His findings reveal that clubs are not the only places in which thots are to be found. Once the thot gene has began its degenerate biological deviations, a thot will attempt to camouflage itself in seemingly respectable locales such as libraries and churches. There is no place in which thots will not breed and no professional discipline they will not infiltrate. Engineering, medicine, politics, law, art, music—all of these are now viable habitats for thots and they are slowly working their way into power structures so they can attempt to sway popular opinion towards the acceptance of thots.

My ongoing research also reveals that the thot gene is particularly active after a breakup. Freshly single women, disconnected from the safe anchors of the men in their lives who help to keep the thot gene under control, are the most in danger of being carried away by the indecent riptide a vengeful thot gene can create. The concupiscent machinations of the gene can be observed in women who embrace their sexuality, and regularly share images of their rejuvenated selves with friends and family via the aforementioned social media sites.

Ada Lovelace, who is credited with creating the world’s first computer algorithm would be saddened to know her pioneering work would later be used to create the digital mediums through which thots continue to pollute the world with their lascivious and emotional selves.

It has also been noted that even something as simple as walking down the street can turn a woman into a thot. The thotification of a woman in this regard occurs in two ways: firstly, a woman woman leaves her house and, secondly, walks down a street. It is not yet clear to us at which point the thot gene is activated but the woman-street dynamic surely plays a key part in a woman becoming a thot.

Even as early as 1752 it was noticed by Benjamin Franklin that women, once out of the confines of the house and the safe, simple diversions with which they can amuse themselves therein—such as knitting or crocheting—became outrageous thots once they stepped onto public streets. His famous thot-kite experiment which involved sending a kite with a woman drawn on it flying down a street yielded distressing results. After retrieving the kite, Franklin noted it had numerous profane invitations for coitus scribbled on it.

At this point, the rascality of the thot gene can only be likened to the One Ring: it looks for every opportunity to betray its carrier and it seeks to destroy all life on Earth. It even responds to simple stimuli such as music, in particular, trap music. Thottish music can be found in songs from contemporary artists such as 2 Chainz, Fetty Wap, Future, Lil Kim, Foxy Brown, and Nicki Minaj—artists who actively promote women taking multiple sexual partners.

One of the most obvious characteristics of thots is that they have sexual urges—urges and longings we believe are brought on by the thot gene manipulating a woman’s thoughts and her spiritual character. Sexual urges in a woman, we now know, are the manifestation of the thot gene and can be warded off by bathing four times a day in Evian water, meditation, and maintaining a diet of fruits and Pasteurised milk.

It is Louis Pasteur, the milk’s namesake, who discovered the process whereby microbes which aggravate the thot gene could be removed from milk. His work in this area has gone to save numerous women from consuming dairy products which could exacerbate a biological predisposition capable of destroying relationships and families.

Gentlemen, I draw near to the conclusion of my presentation. All that remains is to communicate what is already common knowledge about the thot gene.

Few things identify a woman whose thot gene is reaching its microbial apotheosis like revealing clothing, tattoos, and piercings. Dmitri Mendeleev, a Russian chemist, is often credited with being the architect of the modern periodic table, however, his work in discovering that many elements used in metallic piercings, tattoo inks, and various aspects of clothing actually catalyse the activation of the thot gene has not been duly credited.

It has often been thought that weight would play a significant role in the way the thot gene works. However, we have now realised that this is not so: skinny, slim, and overweight women are equally at risk of thotism.

The oft-quoted physicist, Albert Einstein, discovered weight was not an inhibitor of the thot gene’s operation accidentally when he was developing his now famous theory of relativity. Only now is the world waking up to his true genius, realising any fool could have discovered the mass-energy equivalence, but only a true virtuoso could have seen its application within the realm of thot physics.

Max Planck, the father of quantum thot physics was awarded the Nobel Prize in 1918 for creating the theoretical framework upon which future physicists such as Niels Bohr, mentioned earlier, and Albert Einstein would work. In his journals, he noted that women calling themselves bad bitches were prone to exhibit an unnatural sense of self-awareness and showed a disturbing tendency to define their own identity. At the time, of course, the world was more into physics and ignored his writings. Now, though, with the world on the brink of mass thotism, the oversight is being rued.

Finally, I present my last point on thottish behaviour. Although it has become commonplace to think that a thot is a thot only because her sexual indiscretions have become known to a given community ancient cave paintings, interpretations of certain religious material, as well as the moral convictions of upstanding communities, such as ours, show that this line of reasoning is wrong. It is now clear that a mere whisper is enough to convict a woman of thottish behaviour.

Gentlemen, here is the evidence. These are the facts. The Society Of Distinguished And Concerned Gentlemen has been committed to pushing the frontiers of knowledge and sharing wisdom with the world. It is my desperate hope that this paper has cut a trail for more gifted scholars and researchers to follow. Without pretension, and with humility, my dream is to see those who come after me use the learnings to which I have dedicated my entire life to find a final solution to the problems the thot gene is causing in our society.

We are slaves to reason, our masters are facts. We are compelled to do their bidding. Let us see the dictates of logic done, let us see reason and science and the judgement of men triumph.

Lest anyone falter from their task, let me conclude by sharing what we have gleaned from the collected writings of Plato, Aristotle, Cicero, and Marcus Aurelius: vaginas are always plotting.

We must always be alert.

I thank you.


Lord Culus would later go on to publish numerous books on thottish behaviour and land a long tenure at Scrotum University’s prestigious science academy which students dubbed the Little House Of Whorers. His works continue to influence and affect our daily lives. Traces of his genius can be found wherever ignorance prospers.