How To Kill A Mosquito How to sleep peacefully without having to nuke your house.

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As far back as human memory stretches, there has always been that moment in the dark of night, when one lays their head to sleep at the end of a hard day getting ready to sign into the Land of Nod. This moment, in the winter months, comes swiftly, pulling one underneath the currents of sleep in no time at all. During the Summer though, falling asleep can be a bit trickier – the heat  can make finding the cold spot in a bed a task harder than climbing Everest and the knowledge that sooner or later, you will wake up to the same blinding heat of the next day can make some people insomniacs.

Added to this, there is another small, blood-sucking factor that seems to have an affinity for ears and any other area of exposed skin – the much dreaded mosquito.

It always seems to me, that at the moment you are about to slip into the subconscious world of sleep, this annoying and useless creation of Nature decides to buzz right around any aural receptors that it can find, pulling you away from whatever dreams you were about to lapse into. While some people might easily swat at the empty darkness hoping to drive it away, I have adopted another tactic that has given me three nights of blissful sleep. I call it Operation KTFM.

Kill. The. Fucking. Mosquito.

Like most problems in the world, mosquitoes will never go away unless they are solved. “Solved” in this case must be interpreted in the same way that US administrations have used it for the past 10 000 years: blowing up whatever problem exists into oblivion. “There, problem solved” I have heard a few of them say.

But unless you have a small stockpile of nuclear missiles, and you find it a poor trade to kill a mosquito by bombardment only to find that you now have an itch that can be genetically transmitted to your grandchildren, nuclear war might not be the best solution. If you find yourself in this situation, as I predict you may, then I suggest another less explosive but effective means of dispatching this dreaded foe: manual extermination.

Over the past two days, I have honed my mosquito killing skills to the point that I can now hire out my services to anyone that would like to have a quiet good night’s sleep. It is a skill that I am coming to appreciate more and more as my holiday in Windhoek is coming to a close. On arrival here, I was ambushed on the first night by a swarm of bloodthirsty mosquitoes that pockmarked me to oblivion. That was the sign for retaliation.

Over the next few days, I locked down and came up with a strategy for sending these annoying little fuckers to their maker. I now share my knowledge with you.

Operation KTFM or How To Kill A Mosquito

Keep the lights on. Never try and kill a mosquito in the dark. These fuckers can see better in the dark than you can see in the day. They will always dodge your tired hand and they will always come back. Turn on the lights and try to even up the battlefield. Your hands cannot hit what they eyes cannot see.

Once you see a mosquito, keep your eyes on it. Never blink for a moment. They are so small that they vanish into dark backgrounds like ghosts. Once you sight a mosquito, focus on it and avoid all other distractions until you are about to swat it.

Before swatting, make sure that the mosquito is an area where if you miss, you will be able to see which way it dodges. Avoid trying to swat a mosquito when there is a dark wall or curtain behind it. If you miss, it will vanish for the rest of the evening until you decide to go back to sleep.

If you swat a mosquito, always look for evidence of its death. Never assume that you have killed one until you find the evidence of its death smeared on your hands, or the walls. Be thorough – a good night’s sleep is at stake here.

The fat ones are easy to kill because they are slower but the skinny ones are light and fast; and hungry too. These ones will not rest until you dispatch them. It is imperative that you get rid of the small ones first.
Swat with confidence. Never half-swat a mosquito…Has a mosquito ever half-bitten you? Thought so. Do not hold back.

Close your windows. Lock the doors. Do not provide any modes of entry or exit. Lock them in, and massacre them at will.

No mercy, no negotiations. Ever. Mosquitoes must die. The moment you think you have reached an agreement with them whereby they will eat you for the first ten minutes of the night and then leave you alone, you have been suckered. Quite literally. These things never honour a deal. Negotiations will never work. A mosquito will always go for the bite. Always.

Never give up. These little pests have adapted to operating in the darkest of night, when all of your senses are numbed by want of sleep. Persevere – do not let them wear you down. You can spend up to three hours hunting mosquitoes which subtracts from the total number of hours of sleep you can get. But nothing compares to sleeping without the buzzing of mosquitoes in your room.

Put on some war-paint. It looks cooler.

It is my hope that this information is of use to you. May you enjoy a blessed evening’s sleep.

Author’s note: This information was brought to you by Rémy Ngamije, champion mosquito killer. Allowing you to have the zzzzzzzz without any of the –iiiiiiiiing. Est 26th Dec 2010.

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  • Mary M

    You are hilarious dude. You crack me up.

  • Jame May

    I love this. I am going to try this out tonight.

  • Christine

    Nice. 🙂

  • Allan Mok

    Pimped out. Those mosquitoes must know.

  • humourousninja

    Hilarious! This is the best…I love it!

    • Thanks a lot. Appreciate the support. 🙂