An arsenal of board games as big as mine deserves a playing field to match its ambition. A small coffee table just won’t do.
No, what is needed as an epic platform for multi-player gaming, laughter, drinks, and character assassination when you get a Trivial Pursuit clue wrong. With nothing but infinite hours of funemployment (which has come to an end) at my disposal I set out to make one board game table to rule them all.
You can, too, if you want. All you have to do is the following.
Buy a standard wooden door. I found one at a builders’ warehouse for N$184 (USD18). Construct a set of legs for it using whatever materials you have at your disposal. To construct the legs, you will need to bully, beg, and bribe your younger siblings into helping with the project. (Bullying, begging, and bribing pictures have been omitted to preserve my future presidential ambitions.) Find a long ruler, a pencil, an eraser, and an iPod. (I think the iPod is an indispensable part of this project. Some rat fuck pickpocket in Windhoek will steal it two days into the project but, hey, life is a bitch that way.)
Next, mark out a grid on your future tabletop. This is where you will place the upcoming pattern. The next step is the most crucial. You need to have a sister who collects arts and crafts supplies and who, as luck would have it, is on the other side of the world doing her PhD. What this scenario creates is an opportunity for you to raid her supplies with impunity. You will need to steal her stamp collection. Be quiet. Be quick.
After this minor criminal transgression, you will need to spend about three days stamping a pattern on the tabletop. It will take a while. And there will be some mistakes. But perfection is never the goal when you are pursuing a creative project. What you are looking for is something unique; you need to express yourself. So let the mistakes seep into the work. The flaws are what make it perfect. You can stamp any pattern you want–I put a border on mine and opted to have two chess boards on mine. The middle track is the longest 30 Seconds platform ever.
Give your creation a lick of varnish. Wait three days for it to dry. All that remains is to invite friends and family over for some board game carnage. Do not lose in your own house. Seppuku will be the only honourable way out.