Spam and Penis Enlargers I think my spam folder is trying to make me feel inadequate.

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In the past week, I have been contacted by 50 Nigerian (or West African) businessmen that need to transfer ten billion dollars from an account and give it to some or other family member. I have become the 999 999 999 visitor of about 100 websites and have now racked up about U$4 million in random prize money. All of this points to one thing – it is time to contact Abu Banker (that was one of the businessmen) and tell him it’s time we did business. Law school, see you next year.

Why I would be the first choice as a contact, I have no idea. My accounting skills as solid as Arsenal’s back line – Ooh! That one hurt a bit didn’t it? For some reason or other, my Gmail spam filter has been a let-down. Usually I receive about a 100 emails a day, spread out between academic purposes, Twitter notifications and other various personal and professional communications. But for the past seven days, that has nearly tripled in size. But it is not just Nigerian moguls that are after me.

ABSA and FNB, two local South African banks that I point blank refuse to do business with, have told me that my bank account – what bank account? – has been debited with R200 000 (Ghaddafi just found somewhere to dump his money), ten witch doctors tell me that my luck is not looking so good for the upcoming year (Uhmm…I’m in Law school. Things were never looking too good to be honest, but thanks for the heads up…) and some horoscope website informs me that I will be laid at least twice this coming week. The last one made me buy a packet of condoms in anticipation.

Of all the spammers though, no one is more determined to help me than the people trying to sell me penis enlarging cream. “One inch? Two inches? Three? We have all the inches you need!” read one slogan. The others all prescribe treatments and surgery that would make an interesting scene in a science fiction film.

Up until last week, spam was something that happened to the poor souls who still use Hotmail and Yahoo (Yep! Some people still use Yahoo…). As a Gmail user, I have been largely insulated from all of these pesky emails – the past week though has been trying.

When I become President of the World – Yes! I just said that – there will be a special prison just for spammers – Justin Bieber will play on every television, at every hour of the day. And every other day, someone will come and shove a baseball bat in places where things shouldn’t be shoved.

Take that penis enlargement salesman.