Everyone is on Twitter. It’s the in-thing. You’re on it, I’m on it, she’s on it, your dog is on it, my shoe has an account and even Amy Winehouse’s ghost has a Twitter feed. I remember a time when I was the only person in my social circle that was on Twitter – that was early on in its career. Since then, everyone and their aunt have joined what is arguable one of the most enjoyable social networks in the world.
The mass appeal of Twitter is based on the ease with which one can join. All you need is an email address and a username and before you know it, you have your own miniature online radio station, broadcasting you in 140 character bits at a time. Twitter is awesome. It just is. It is as awesome as Optimus Prime is cool or as Paris Hilton is not a virgin.
Anyone who says otherwise is an ungodly heathen.
More often than not though, these ungodly heathens see the light and decide to start a Twitter account. You can usually tell them apart from the more established Twitterers. Newbies always have strange names like “@SwagIsMe” or “@TheMoneyMaker“. Poor sods.
Though there are no definite rules about how to use Twitter, there are some unspoken rules that have been developed by the Twitter family over the years – a kind of unspoken Twitter Constitution. It is a code of conduct for noobs and pros a like. In the interests of justice, climate change and the sanity of my timeline, I have decided to put pen to paper and draft the Twitter Constitution. Someday, the world will thank me.
Have a look and add whatever you think is relevant via comments.
The official Twitter Constitution, or something like it
Choose a username that can be put on your gravestone: Think about it. This is your online personality. Is @pussyjuice really the best name for it? Thought so…
Try and limit the number of x’s in your Twitter handle: One is fine. Two is pushing it. Three means you’ve starred in a film called “Three Guys Go Balls Deep In…” Oh! And only Eminem can call himself @theREALslimshady. It is important for people like him because there are a “million people just like him, who walk, talk and act like him…” Unless you have a cult following, you shouldn’t be calling yourself @theREALanything.
A bio never hurt anyone. Get one. Tell us something about yourself. Make it witty, or original. We shall even take three ellipses over nothing. If you cannot come up with something witty, borrow a quote from Mark Twain. Biographies do not have any fixed format, but the following principles apply:
- If your bio contains the words “hustle”, “swag” or “money”, you are bleeding man points.
- If you are a girl, calling yourself the “baddest b***h” only confirms it.
- Being an Arsenal fan is like looking for pity sex. Only people in similar circumstances can empathise.
- Don’t tell us how much cash you have…If you really do have as much as you say you do, you really should not have to tell us.
Get an avatar: No one likes that Twitter egg. Hatch that shit! Ideally it would be ideal if you were the star of your own avatar – but if you are really struggling, Weheartit.com has some really funny pictures that you can borrow. A good avatar is essential. If you need some good examples, look at the following tweeple: @mirfaan and @angelyn_hsu, and @richmulholland.
Tweet, reply, retweet: Tweet as much as you like. Always respond when someone hollers @ you. And retweet as you would like to be retweet.
Don’t steal tweets: Your kids will be born with a scrotum on their cheeks. Karma is a bitch…
Followers Aren’t Everything: So stop asking people to follow you. No one likes a whiner or a beggar. You sound like that one person in a crew who’s going home alone tonight and is starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel…and failing dismally.
Not all tweets were made equal: Some tweets are better than others. There are boring tweets and there are interesting tweets. There are amusing tweets and there are sad tweets. Not all tweets are the same. The key thing is to keep them original.
Save your hashtags: #Don’t #Hashtag #Ordinary #And #Mundane #Things. #You #Look #Like #A #Fool #When #You #Do #That.
You have the right to unfollow: Don’t blame other people for a bad Twitter experience. If you don’t like what someone else is saying, unfollow them. No one forced you to be here. On that note, let trending topics be trending topics. If you don’t like them, don’t follow them.
TwitLonger is for losers: What is the point of joining the 140 Character Club if you cannot stay within the word limit? If you want to write us a whole biography about the life of a full stop, there is Facebook for that…where we can just mute you from our newsfeed.
Take responsibility for your tweets: If you say something, be prepared for disagreement. 1) Compose, 2) think, 3) correct, 4) tweet. The formula has never failed me. Occasionally I tweet without thinking and the consequences are never worth the tweet in the first place.
Only losers protect their tweets: If you wanted to put us on limited profile, there is Facebook for that kind of thing.
Don’t tweet and drive: You are an idiot if you do. And a virgin most likely…the worst combination of characteristics in the world. Die! Die! Die!
When there is nothing to tweet…there is nothing to tweet: Don’t walk around with your Blackberry in your hand looking for something to fill 140 characters. You are wasting your time. And ours.
Never retweet your #FFs: It’s like giving yourself a blowjob. You might like it, but we’re all judging you secretly. Except me. I’m judging you publicly.
Online is online: You never know who is watching or listening. Never tweet anything that will put your personal integrity or dignity at risk. And don’t try to be funnier or wittier than you are. The Twitterverse appreciates honesty and some of the best tweets are the ones that don’t try too hard to be witty.
Really now: If the sex was really that good, you wouldn’t be tweeting about it mid-coitus would you? Thought so.
The three words of Twitter: Twitter is made of “twits, wits and titters”… *See what I did there?*
Be yourself: And never lie. Nothing is more awkward than someone professing to be “having the time of their life at the beach” on Twitter when they’re right in front of me…at the grocery store. Buying condoms. The cheap kind even. Shame.
Oh…and a word from the wise: No one likes a douche.
Most importantly: Have fun. Tweet and prosper.
Author’s note: This article was written after three glasses of Fanta.